Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on May 3, 2015 4:01:02 GMT
Nessa's eyebrows furrowed. "What are you talking about?" she said. She could barely remember a time when she didn't want the baby. "I loved him. Why would you ever say I didn't want him?" The tears were back now, and Nessa couldn't stop them from spilling over her quivering eyelids. She felt like Hayden didn't understand what she was going through at all. No one did. She was all alone.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on May 3, 2015 3:31:20 GMT
Nessa wiped at her face, realizing that she was crying in front of another person. Even if it was Hayden, she hated crying in front of people. She was raised to be emotionless. Emotions were meant to be felt on her own time, if at all. Nessa had grown out of almost all of the things she was raised to believe, but that was a habit she had yet to break. "Why not?" she asked him, but inside she already knew the answer to that question too. But she refused to admit that Hayden could be feeling just as bad as she was because she was in a state of self-pity that wouldn't go away. "You never wanted the baby anyways," she said, this time more quietly and with a hint of anger. Nessa wasn't really angry, but her feelings were coming out sideways.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on May 3, 2015 3:12:08 GMT
Nessa barely heard Hayden's voice, but eventually she turned around to look at him. "Why is this still here?" she asked him. She wasn't angry at him, though. It was more of a sad question. It had been months and they still had a nursery as if they were waiting on a child. It seemed silly. But Nessa didn't want to be the one to take the room apart either, so she already knew the answer to her question before she asked it. But to her it seemed as if Hayden didn't care about losing the baby at all, so why would he think twice about taking it all apart?
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on May 3, 2015 2:48:32 GMT
Nessa had been lying in bed all day, doing absolutely nothing but thinking to herself. Somehow she blamed herself for the baby's death. It didn't make any sense, but the baby had died inside her. It was her body that failed. She was the reason that the baby never got to see the light of day. To Nessa, that's what had happened, and no one was going to make her think otherwise. When Hayden came in, Nessa tensed up. Things between the two of them hadn't been the same since the miscarriage, but she tried not to be too distant from him. He was the only person that she had opened up to about what she was feeling, but even then she didn't say much. But now wasn't one of the times that she was going to open up. Taking a deep breath, Nessa willed herself to stand up and get out of bed, but only because she knew that she couldn't go to sleep without going to the bathroom first. She walked out of the room without a word, barely acknowledging that Hayden was even there. As she walked down the dark hallway, she only looked up when she noticed the moon shining through the window in the room that would have been her son's nursery. The door to the room hadn't been opened every time she had walked past it for a while, and Nessa hadn't seen it since before the miscarriage. In that moment, it was as if the room was drawing her in, and she couldn't resist it. Tears rolled down her face silently as she looked around the room, but she couldn't bring herself to leave.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on May 3, 2015 1:50:06 GMT
It had been months since Nessa had miscarried, but the sting of losing the one thing that she never thought she would want was still very much present. The girl who never thought she would ever be a mother had become pregnant, and at the time it had seemed like a curse. But over the weeks that she carried the child in her stomach, the thought of being a mother grew on her until she had become so fixated on the idea that she could hardly think of anything else other than the baby. When she woke up one morning to find her sheets stained red, she was devastated. Nessa had dealt with many challenges in her life, but this was one that she was unsure if she would ever conquer.
She shut herself up in her room most days, refusing to come out unless it was to use the bathroom or occasionally to eat, not that she was doing much of that either. It was a bad way to deal with things, but it was all Nessa had ever known to do. The girl never had anyone who wanted to help her before now, so she was used to dealing with hardship on her own. In her selfishness, it never occurred to her that Hayden was hurting too. Even if the thought had crossed her mind, she would have simply thrown it aside. Hayden never wanted the baby. He already had a child of his own, and he was struggling to keep just her safe. Why would he ever want another one?
But now Nessa was starting to look at things differently. She had gone to see Damion, considering he was the closest thing to a doctor that it was safe for Nessa to see. He wasn't the most sensitive doctor in the world, but he was probably more accurate than any normal doctor that she could have gone to. He told her that there was nothing wrong with her body that caused the miscarriage, and that it was just a fluke accident. He also told her that it was safe for her to try to get pregnant again, if she wished to. Nessa didn't know how Hayden would feel about the idea, but she wanted to try again. She wanted it more than anything she had ever wanted in her life up to that point.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Apr 4, 2015 14:32:13 GMT
Nessa had only seen one of the two people that was left, as the other one was behind her. She raised her gun to shoot at the other man just as she felt something lodge into her lower back. The pain didn't hit her until a moment later, but then everything went numb as she fell to the ground. Looks like your little robot boyfriend can't even save you anymore, Ness. It's too bad. I always thought you'd go on to do great things. Violet. Nessa had looked at the girl as a sister once, and now she had stabbed her in the back, quite literally. The last thing that she saw before blacking out was the blonde girl's face smirking down at her, looking like she always did when she snagged a kill. Nessa never thought she would be on the other end of that stare.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Apr 4, 2015 3:33:49 GMT
Nessa got back to the scene just as shots were fired. "You're an idiot if you think I'm leaving you," she said quickly. Nessa didn't have a computer in her head, but she knew how the Capitol soldiers' minds worked. After all, she'd trained them. One of them came up behind her, but she caught him in the stomach with her elbow and then spun around to kick him in the chest, causing him to lose his breath and fall back to the ground. Then she saw the gun in his hand, which she quickly took and started firing. There weren't many of them, but they had obviously sent the best they had after them. The usual confidence Nessa had in battle wasn't there, and she wasn't sure if this would end well.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Apr 4, 2015 3:22:14 GMT
Over the past few weeks, Nessa had come to terms with her pregnancy. The whole idea was still terrifying to her, but it was also exciting and she was looking forward to being a mother. She had even picked out a name for the baby, who she had just recently discovered was going to be a boy. Hayden and Nessa both weren't big on family names, given their messy family history, so they chose a fresh name for their son. Bradley. Nessa really loved the name, and she was happy that Hayden liked it too.
When Hayden had suggested going on a walk, Nessa was hesitant. She was nervous to ever leave the house those days. The Capitol had people everywhere, and they all knew their faces. If they were ever spotted by the wrong people, they would be dead. But Nessa didn't want to think about that. It was just a little walk, right? But her suspicions were proven correct when she caught glance of a man with a gun pointed at them. Hayden seemed to have seen it just before her, as the second she laid eyes on the man, Hayden was already speaking in her ear telling her to leave. She didn't want to leave him there, but she had to protect Lily. "Come on, Sweetheart," she said, scooping Lily up and running as fast as she could. She dropped her off in a shop that was owned by a friend of Nessa's, asking her to keep Lily safe until she came back. Nessa knew that she could trust her, so the second Lily was in safe hands, she began running back to Hayden.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Feb 14, 2015 3:32:24 GMT
Vanessa gulped. "I don't want to decide anything yet," she said. She wasn't thinking straight in that moment, and that was all she was really sure of. Sleep. That's what she needed. Just a little rest and a long while to think it all over. "I-I think I'm going to go rest for a while, if that's okay?" She wasn't sure if Hayden needed her for anything else that day, considering it was hardly afternoon by then. But Vanessa couldn't deal with all of this yet. She needed a little while to stop thinking.
*a month later*
Research had always been something Vanessa was amazing at. Decision making? Not so much. But she had put just about as much research into her baby as humanly possible at this point. She even made a chart of things that made her want to keep the baby and things that made her want to put it up for adoption. She had, however, made the mistake of asking the doctor the gender of the baby when he gave her the option. It was a boy. She hadn't told Hayden yet, just in case she decided not to keep it. She knew he would love having a son, and she didn't want to put him through that.
But Vanessa knew what it was like to have parents that didn't want her. However noble it may have seemed, Vanessa couldn't see how putting a baby up for adoption was ever in the best interest of the child. It was in the best interest of the parent. That was just Vanessa's opinion. And having gone through a string of abusive foster parents, she couldn't possibly think about putting her son through that to. Because that's what he was. Her son.
Vanessa finally made her decision and went downstairs to find Hayden. When she did, she sat in his lap just like she normally did when she had happy news for him. "Can we talk?" she asked, even though she wasn't really going to let him say no.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Feb 14, 2015 3:10:55 GMT
Vanessa looked up at Hayden, tears still sitting in her eyes. "How are you so sure?" she said. "I mean, look at us. We're not parents. Most children hate me, and your daughter is being raised by someone else. And we're in constant danger from the President. If he finds out about this, well you can be sure as hell that he'll use it against us somehow." Vanessa was naturally pessimistic, so it wasn't a surprise that she only saw the negatives in this. In fact, she couldn't think of a single positive part of this. Of course, she wouldn't want the child to think that, but it was how she felt in that moment.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Feb 12, 2015 17:15:54 GMT
Vanessa heard Lily's yelling and tried to quiet herself, but it didn't go to well for her. She forced herself to stop crying when Hayden came in though, taking a few tissues and wiping at her face. This definitely wasn't the way she wanted to tell him the news, but she couldn't not tell him now. "I think...I think I'm pregnant," she said quietly. Part of her was afraid that Hayden might be upset, but she also knew that he probably wouldn't be. Hayden was already a father. He'd done this all before. But Nessa was still terrified of the whole thing.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Feb 12, 2015 3:01:24 GMT
All her life, Vanessa Ray had never been very fond of children. It might have had to do with the fact that her own childhood was practically non-existant, or the fact that every time she ever tried to interact with a child they would always somehow be afraid of her. Nonetheless, Nessa had given up on the idea of ever being a mother a very long time ago. The only exception to this rule was Lily, who seemed to be rather fond of Nessa. But Nessa still had no idea how to be a mother to her, nor did she really want to. Lily had a mother, and Nessa didn't want to be the replacement for her. She focused on being friends with Lily more than a mother, and Hayden never seemed to have a problem with it.
But one night after a few to many drinks and there she was, a positive pregnancy test in her hands. She stared at herself in the mirror, so many emotions running through her system at the same time. Bewilderment that she and Hayden actually let that happen somehow. Fear that Hayden might be upset by the news. Sadness that she wasn't nearly as excited about being pregnant as she should have been. It was all just so confusing to her. She couldn't be a mother, could she? Tears streamed down her face at the thought, and soon she was sobbing. She didn't think Hayden was home, so she didn't bother being quiet about it. It felt like her whole life was crumbling in on her.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Jul 24, 2014 17:18:34 GMT
Vanessa shrugged. "We could go out for dinner or go see Lily or something," she suggested. Then she moved closer to Hayden. "Or we could just stay in and watch movies. I don't really care." Vanessa really just wanted to spend time with Hayden.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Jul 23, 2014 17:55:33 GMT
Vanessa nodded. "Okay,"she said. She then kissed Haydens check and stood back up. "So, care to drag your face away from the computer for a while and go do something?" Vanessa was dying to get Hayden out of the house, and now seemed like a better time than ever.
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Alyssa
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Jun 23, 2015 19:32:54 GMT
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Post by Vanessa Ray on Jul 23, 2014 17:55:21 GMT
Vanessa nodded. "Okay,"she said. She then kissed Haydens check and stood back up. "So, care to drag your face away from the computer for a while and go do something?" Vanessa was dying to get Hayden out of the house, and now seemed like a better time than ever.
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