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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 16:24:30 GMT
Hunter found himself in District seven, forgetting to take his meds, more like he didn't want to, he was tired of them. So there he was on the ground, staring at the canopy of trees above him. Voices filling his head making him feel useless, making him want to die.
Useless piece of shit. Everyone's dead and it's all your fault. Alex left you and it's all your fault. Your kids don't need you. No one does, no one needs Hunter in their life you should die. No one would care. How long until Logan leaves too?
Hunter couldn't stand the voices in his head. Tempting him to do more, tempting him to relapse. He hadn't told anyone where he had gone. He couldn't stand it and Hunter didn't want to call out for help. He never would want to.
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Post by Alex Porter on Jul 4, 2014 16:56:12 GMT
Whether is was just nostalgia that had brought Alex to the place where everything with Hunter had happened, he didn't know. He couldn't explain why, but whenever he wasn't thinking about where he was going he ended up here, surrounded by stale memories and muddled thoughts about the man he was sure he was supposed to hate now. But that was the thing, he did hate him. He well and truly despised the guy that had broken his heart, even if he knew that the truth of it was that he caused it - he caused the relationship's demise through his own broken actions... Not that he'd ever admit that, obviously. As far as everyone else needed to know, it wasn't his fault; nothing ever was.
Still, he moved slowly though the woods, fingers running across the old bark of the dense trees as he retraced an old path - one that he'd taken before a long, long time ago - the path to one of the first memories he and Hunter had together, back when they were still friends with Nyx. He could remember it almost as if it was yesterday, the memories stinging him before he even had chance to try and push them away. The whole place just reminded him of-
Hunter?
Alex couldn't deny the sight of the figure in front of him, lying on the ground and staring at the stars as if the weight of the world was on his shoulders. Knowing Hunter, it probably was. He couldn't help but walk over to the guy, feet moving before he could even really think about what he was doing, longing for just one more conversation, one more chance to clear the air. He settles down quietly next to Hunter, taking a long breathe before finally talking.
"Y'know, the first time we came here, I never once thought we'd ever actually get together... I was just kinda happy, y'know? I liked just being here with you and Nyx, with the truth or dare and the skinny dipping and the dancing - I never really wanted the day to end because I was scared that when it did everything would just go back to normal, and that you'd go back to loving Jewel and I'd go back to being a dirty cheat that always fucked up relationships because he couldn't keep his dick in his pants... I guess some things never change, huh?" His soft, quiet, almost as if he wasn't actually sure of what he was saying until it was out in the air already - part of him terrified that Hunter was just going to turn around and tell him to leave him alone because he hated him. He wasn't sure how he'd cope if that happened, he'd not been in a very good state of mind these days.
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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 17:04:54 GMT
Hunter looked over at Alex. "We never did come back." Hunter said quietly. He looked back at the stars. "We had our wedding and that was it but we we're gonna come back when we weren't both injured but both of us were, we were always injured." Hunter said quietly as if if he said more he might break, probably because if he did say more he would break. Hunter hated this feeling but yet it was his fault. Memories of that day flooded Hunter's thoughts.
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Post by Alex Porter on Jul 4, 2014 17:24:31 GMT
"I guess one of us was always just a little too broken," Alex murmured in reply, smiling a little at the memory, even if it did seem a little bitter now - like he shouldn't find anything comfort in a memory when the ending to their little love story was so sour. Oh well, everything had an ending, right? Even if it wasn't the happily ever after they'd both been looking for. Breathing slowly, Alex finally brought himself to turn and look at Hunter properly, guilt being pumped around his body like blood, coating him until all he could feel was that this was his fault, all of it. He looked away again quickly, too uncomfortable with the feeling to let it hang around for long. Instead, he opened his mouth to speak, but quickly found he didn't actually know what to say, having too many words but not enough time to say them. His silver tongue always betrayed him when he needed it most, unfortunately.
"I did love you," he whispered, adding a small 'I still do' in his head before swallowing a lump in his throat, quickly finishing it with, "I guess I'm just too good at self destruction for anything to ever work, huh?" He fell silent then, unable to shake the feeling that all he ever would be was a bomb, and a fairly shitty one at that. He'd always hurt the people around him, pulling them in close and then pressing the destruct button before they even had time to realise what was going on, breaking people coming to him almost as easily as lying. He honestly couldn't help it and, because of that, he was positive he was going to end up living a very lonely life... No one can get hurt if no one gets close to him, right?
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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 17:29:14 GMT
"I loved you too." Hunter said. "I fucking loved more than anything, more than I loved myself." Hunter felt himself crying more. "You'll find someone some day and you'll be happy." HUnter said part of him wishing that was him with Alex. The other part loving Logan just the same. It killed him inside though. Broke him almost.
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Post by Alex Porter on Jul 4, 2014 18:01:36 GMT
Shit. Hunter was crying, how'd Alex not noticed already? He knew it wasn't really his responsibility to try and help anymore, hell, any attempts he'd make would probably only be met with more crying and anger, and the rational part of his head was telling him to just walk away. And yet he couldn't. Slowly, his hand reached out to take Hunter's, squeezing it lightly in a way that said 'it's okay, I feel like shit too.' He still knew the dangers of simply holding his hand, knowing that at any point Hunter could turn and tell him that this was too close to cheating than he was comfortable with... Even if Alex only meant it in a friendly way... Probably.
"What if I don't want to?" was all Alex managed at first, now blinking back his own tears, his fears finally spilling out of his mouth before he could really stop them, "what if I'm just toxic, Hunter? What if I'm just doomed to hurt everyone that I want to protect just because I'm me, and all I really know how to do is break people?" He was crying now, silent tears running down his cheeks before he had the chance to try and wipe them away, not that he could even be arsed to. Everything was too much effort these days.
"I can't do it, Hunter. I can't hurt anyone else. Not again."
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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 18:09:36 GMT
"You won't hurt them." Hunter said. He swallowed the lump in his throat. He looked over at Alex. "I have faith in you." Hunter said. He pursed his lips and looked at their hands holding each other like they used to do all the time. "I never stopped having faith in you." Maybe that was Hunter's problem, he had so much faith in a boy. More faith than anyone had ever given him. Though for some reason Hunter had faith in him no matter what happened.
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Post by Alex Porter on Jul 4, 2014 18:22:49 GMT
"Please don't lie to me," was all Alex could manage to whisper, gritting his teeth as he wiped away his tears with his right hand, unable to persuade himself to pull his hand from Hunter's, no matter how wrong it'd probably feel when he looked back at it. It just felt right, somehow. But, then again, everything always had when Hunter was involved. "If you had faith in me, we wouldn't be here - we wouldn't be sat here, in this field, trying to pretend that at least one of us is over it." He paused, finally turning to look at Hunter again, deciding he'd rather have the guilt eat him alive than stare at the stars and wish everything was different. "If you had faith in me, I wouldn't be stuck watching you love someone else, wishing you still looked at me the way you look at him."
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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 18:38:19 GMT
Hunter just looked over at Alex. "You kept going good back to him. You'd always go back to him..." Hunter said talking about Eric. He didn't like talking about Alex cheating though. It hurt him inside.
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Post by Alex Porter on Jul 4, 2014 19:01:10 GMT
Alex didn't reply at first, caught off guard by the fact that Hunter had turned to look at him now too, catching his gaze for a minute and freezing - like a deer caught in headlights - before finally glancing away, doing anything to look away from Hunter's face. He couldn't look into Hunter's eyes without knowing that he'd caused all the hurt that he could see in them. It was only when he looked away that he even found the strength to speak, knowing that whatever explanation he gave wouldn't be good enough.
"I thought I loved him," he whispered, "I thought that he'd give me a distraction. You don't understand - I wouldn't expect you to and I definitely wouldn't want you to. I was ready to die, Hunter, I didn't want to live anymore when all I had left was you and Jewel. I didn't want to live a life where I felt wrong and disconnected from everyone, a life where all I could think about was the fact that I probably should be dead, but some fancy Capitol chemical ran through my veins and stopped tumors from growing and kept my heart beating, alright? Jewel already hated me, and I assumed you would too soon enough, so what was the point?" He pulled away then, dropping Hunter's hand and turning away from the warm body, rolling so his stomach was against the grass and his head was resting on his hands, hiding the onslaught of tears from possibly the only guy that had ever seen him like this before. Hunter didn't need this now. Hunter never needed this. Finally, after a muffled sob wracked through Alex's body, he finally finished, "I could never love him, Hunter. I couldn't love a ghost." There was another pause as Alex took another shaky breath, readying himself for one final sentence:
"I just thought that - that if I did what I did, you'd leave, and then there'd be no one left to care if I put a bullet through my brain."
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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 19:27:47 GMT
Hunter felt tears coming out of his eyes watching Alex cry. He laid down on his stomach his arms crossed and his head laying on his head looking at Alex. "Alex..." Hunter said softly. He wanted Alex to look at him.
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Post by Alex Porter on Jul 4, 2014 19:44:40 GMT
He didn't move at first, managing to twist all his thoughts into knots within the few minutes he was left with his own head. He didn't even realise Hunter had even said anything for a while, the voices in his head running loose and overpowering whatever the hell Hunter was saying. It eventually clicked, however, and Alex turned his head to look at Hunter, eyes stained red with tears. He wanted to say something, but he'd lost his voice since his last confession, biting his lip as he struggled to not be mute, to actually find the strength to say something. Instead, he just swallowed, slowly lifting his gaze back up to Hunter's eyes.
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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 19:50:41 GMT
"I love you. " Hunter said. He hoped his eyes and took a deep breath. "I will always love you." Hunter said. He was afraid to admit that because it didn't mean he wanted Alex back. "I care about you. And it kills me to say anything like this hurt you."
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Post by Alex Porter on Jul 4, 2014 21:53:55 GMT
"Please, don't give me that shit," Alex replied quietly, shaking his head and looking away from Hunter, only to find his gaze automatically found his way back to him in the end. "Don't tell me that you love me, or that you care, or any of that crap that you used to tell me to try and make me feel better, because it doesn't work anymore, alright? You can't tell me you love me when you clearly love Logan, you can't pretend to care when you haven't even been here whilst everything around me crashes and burns, okay? You can't tell me that it kills you to see me like this, when this isn't even the worst I've been lately, not that I'd expect you to know or care." He paused, his voice starting to crack so heavily that he stopped talking, practically choking on the lump in his throat. Shaking his head again, he sniffed, taking a minute to wipe more tears away from his face before finally trying to bring himself to finish.
"So please, don't give me that shit about you loving me or caring about me, because it's not true, and when I die - whether it's because I OD'd, or because I happened to sleep with the wrong guy's girlfriend, or, hell, maybe it's because I tried drowning in silva creek again - whatever it is, no one's going to care, because no one cares about the cheating, sadistic murderer with a slight drug problem, okay? Not even you."
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Post by Hunter Hanson on Jul 4, 2014 21:59:17 GMT
Hunter couldn't help what. His gut was telling him to do. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against alex's. His eyes closed and he put passion in the kiss. "I care." Hunter said breathlessly. "I care. So don't give me that shit."
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